Paulina

= Funny Trash! =

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
__241 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID (don't worry, they wont even notice!!)__

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >  **Funny stuff**
 * 1) A few clowns short of a circus.
 * 1) A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
 * 1) An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
 * 1) A few beers short of a six-pack.
 * 1) Dumber than a box of hair.
 * 1) A few peas short of a casserole.
 * 1) Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
 * 1) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
 * 1) One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
 * 1) One taco short of a combination plate.
 * 1) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
 * 1) All foam, no beer.
 * 1) The cheese slid off her cracker.
 * 1) Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
 * 1) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 * 1) He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 * 1) An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
 * 1) As smart as bait.
 * 1) Chimney's clogged.
 * 1) Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
 * 1) Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
 * 1) Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
 * 1) Forgot to pay her brain bill.
 * 1) Her sewing machine's out of thread.
 * 1) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
 * 1) His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
 * 1) If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
 * 1) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
 * 1) No grain in the silo.
 * 1) Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
 * 1) Receiver is off the hook.
 * 1) Several nuts short of a full pouch.
 * 1) Skylight leaks a little.
 * 1) Slinky's kinked.
 * 1) Surfing in Nebraska.
 * 1) Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 * 1) Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 * 1) The lights are on, but nobody's home.
 * 1) 24 cents short of a quarter.
 * 1) Radio's playing but nobody's listening.
 * 2) Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
 * 3) Reads a page devoted to put-downs of stupid people and gets offended because it contains derogatory material.
 * 4) Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
 * 5) Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
 * 6) Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
 * 7) Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
 * 8) Receiver is off the hook.
 * 9) Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
 * 10) Remembered to take her stupid pill again this morning.
 * 11) Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
 * 12) Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
 * 13) Requires retraining after every coffee break.
 * 14) Reset line is glitching.
 * 15) Result of a first cousin marriage.
 * 16) Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
 * 17) Room for rent, unfurnished.
 * 18) Routinely outsmarted by cheese
 * 19) Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.
 * 20) RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
 * 21) Running at 2400 baud.
 * 22) Running lights are on but no one's at the helm.
 * 23) Running on a 286.
 * 24) Running U.S. appliances on British current.
 * 25) Runs squares around the competition.
 * 26) Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
 * 27) S p a c e d o u t.
 * 28) Sailboat fuel for brains.
 * 29) Sat under the ozone hole too long.
 * 30) Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.
 * 31) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
 * 32) Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
 * 33) Serving donuts on another planet.
 * 34) Settled some during shipping and handling.
 * 35) Seven cans short of a six-pack.
 * 36) Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
 * 37) Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
 * 38) Several nuts short of a full pouch.
 * 39) Sharp as a donut
 * 40) Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
 * 41) She believes the three great lies.
 * 42) She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
 * 43) She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about.
 * 44) She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
 * 45) She looks virtually real today.
 * 46) She only packed half a sandwich.
 * 47) She only schedules zombie processes.
 * 48) She put the ding in dingbat.
 * 49) She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
 * 50) She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.
 * 51) She sounds reasonable. Must be time to up my medication.
 * 52) She stopped to think and forgot to start again.
 * 53) She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
 * 54) She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
 * 55) Shedding a little too much black light.
 * 56) She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
 * 57) She's a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.)
 * 58) She's all thumbs.
 * 59) She's as daft as a brush. (British)
 * 60) She's running on impulse engines.
 * 61) She's running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.
 * 62) Shootin' blanks.
 * 63) Short a few cards.
 * 64) Short-circuited between the earphones.
 * 65) Should be the poster child for family planning.
 * 66) Should drive directly to the clue warehouse. (said of a poor driver)
 * 67) Should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
 * 68) Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
 * 69) Shouldn't eat nuts - for her, it's practically cannibalism.
 * 70) Should've been a shopkeeper. (role-playing games)
 * 71) Signs of his intelligence are as rare as rocking-horse dung.
 * 72) Single-sided, low density.
 * 73) Sings along with elevator music.
 * 74) Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can't find the lifeboats.
 * 75) Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
 * 76) Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: "Six-pack" is to spike someone in the head with a volleyball.)
 * 77) Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
 * 78) Skylight leaks a little.
 * 79) Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
 * 80) Slinky's kinked.
 * 81) Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
 * 82) Slow as molasses in January.
 * 83) Slow learner.
 * 84) Slow out of the gate.
 * 85) Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
 * 86) Smarter than the average bear.
 * 87) Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
 * 88) So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
 * 89) So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
 * 90) So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
 * 91) So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
 * 92) So dumb, he faxes face up.
 * 93) So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.
 * 94) So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
 * 95) So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
 * 96) So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
 * 97) So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
 * 98) So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
 * 99) So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
 * 100) So stupid, she doesn't go further than Thursday.
 * 101) So thick, he sticks to pasta.
 * 102) Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
 * 103) Some Assembly Required.
 * 104) Some bugs in his software.
 * 105) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
 * 106) Some of her inodes have nodded off.
 * 107) Some pages missing.
 * 108) Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
 * 109) Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
 * 110) Someone blew out his pilot light.
 * 111) Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
 * 112) Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.
 * 113) Someone let the air out of her lock.
 * 114) Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.
 * 115) Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
 * 116) Source code is missing a few lines.
 * 117) Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
 * 118) Special education graduate.
 * 119) Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
 * 120) Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
 * 121) Still boots to DOS.
 * 122) Still cutting with rounded scissors
 * 123) Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
 * 124) Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.
 * 125) Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
 * 126) Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
 * 127) Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.
 * 128) Stuck on the down escalator of life.
 * 129) Studied for a blood test - and failed.
 * 130) Stumped by anything child-proof.
 * 131) Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
 * 132) Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear/kiss from a cow.
 * 133) Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
 * 134) Suffers from excessive headspace.
 * 135) Suffers from link rot. (The process by which hypertext links become obsolete as their sites change or die)
 * 136) Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.
 * 137) Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
 * 138) Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
 * 139) Surfing in Nebraska.
 * 140) Suspend switch is jumpered.
 * 141) Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
 * 142) T minus dumb and counting
 * 143) Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
 * 144) Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
 * 145) Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
 * 146) Talking with her is a career-limiting move.
 * 147) Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.
 * 148) Talks to plants on their own level.
 * 149) Tall as a post and just as smart.
 * 150) Team player. No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
 * 151) Technically sound, but socially impossible.
 * 152) Teflon brain - nothing sticks.
 * 153) Ten to the dozen.
 * 154) The aliens forget to remove his anal probe.
 * 155) The bark on her family tree actually involves canines.
 * 156) The butter slipped off his noodle/pancake.
 * 157) The cheese slid off her cracker.
 * 158) The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
 * 159) The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed.
 * 160) The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
 * 161) The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.
 * 162) The going got weird, and he turned pro.
 * 163) The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
 * 164) The lights are on, but nobody's home.
 * 165) The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward.
 * 166) The only place she's ever invited is outside.
 * 167) The perfect personality to write software manuals.
 * 168) The recesses of his mind are always in recess.
 * 169) The result of years of careful inbreeding.
 * 170) The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
 * 171) The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
 * 172) The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
 * 173) The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
 * 174) The two put together have an IQ over 150.
 * 175) The wheel's spinning but the hamster's/gerbil's dead.
 * 176) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
 * 177) The world's foremost collector of ignorance.
 * 178) Their family tree is a tumbleweed.
 * 179) There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.
 * 180) There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.
 * 181) There's biscuits on the griddle but the stove ain't on.
 * 182) There's intelligent life on his planet, but he isn't it.
 * 183) There's no ice cubes in THAT tray.
 * 184) There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.
 * 185) They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
 * 186) They must have done a clean boot on him.
 * 187) They never shut up on his planet.
 * 188) Thick as a brick/whale omelette.
 * 189) Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
 * 190) Thicker than a hockey sock full of hammer handles.
 * 191) Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
 * 192) Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
 * 193) Thinks at 5 baud.
 * 194) Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
 * 195) Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
 * 196) Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
 * 197) Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
 * 198) thinks in lower case & types accordingly
 * 199) Thinks in one-syllable words.
 * 200) Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
 * 201) Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
 * 202) Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everybody can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets alive anyway… I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?  JUST PLAIN DUMB…

1. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

2. When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

3. I used to have an opened mind but my brains keep falling out.

4. If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

5. I couldn't repair you brakes, so i made the horn louder.

6. For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

7. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

10. Evening news begins with "good evening", and the proceed to tell you why it isn't.

11. Death is hereditary.

12. There are three sides to an argument: my side, your side, and the right side.

13. A consultant is a person who takes as subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

14. cheer up, the worst it yet to come.

15. Always remember theta you are absolutely unique,just like everyone else.

16. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

17. Always borrow money from a pessimist, he won't expect it back.

18. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

19. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears glasses to avoid being recognized.

20. Men are like steel;, they both are worthless when they loose their temper.

Always laugh when you can, its the cheapest medicine.

21. if you could have everything… where would you put it?

22. If you tell the truth, you wont have to remember anything

If you want to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

23. Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them…

24. Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

25. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

26. Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

27. Accept that somedays you are the pigeon and sometimes the statue.

28. Last night, i lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, " Where the heck is the ceiling?"

29. On the keyboard of life, alleys keep one finger on the escape key.

30. Everyone is somebody else's weirdo.

31. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

QUOTES

32. "A true friend stabs you in the front"

33. "Friend come and go, but enemies accumulate"

34. "the best time to make friends is before you need them"

35. "Friendship is like money, easier made than kept"

36. "A friends someone that knows us, but loves us anyway"

37. "A true friend is someone who thinks you re a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked" 